Mitt massagebord är ingen casting-soffa

Let me paint you a picture.

You walk into a warm, calming space. Soft music is playing. The scent of lavender drifts through the air. The massage bed is heated, the linens are fresh, and you’re ready for healing. I enter the room, and there you are — face up, fully naked, staring at me like you’re auditioning for a role I never posted.

Yes, this really happened.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get weirder, he tries to grab me mid-massage like we’re in a steamy Netflix drama instead of a professional massage clinic. Spoiler alert: I dodged. I always dodge. Ninja mode: fully activated. But wait, there’s more.

As I was saying my polite, professional goodbye — this man removed the draping mid-conversation, like a final “surprise twist” that absolutely no one asked for. Let me assure you: I did not applaud.

Let’s clear a few things up.

What Massage Is:

• A therapeutic experience for real bodies with real tension.
  
  
• A safe, professional space to reset your nervous system.
  
  
• A collaboration — I bring the skills, you bring the muscles (and ideally some manners).
  
  

What Massage Is Not:

• A strip tease.
  
  
• A hands-on adventure.
  
  
• A one-man show starring your ego and zero boundaries.
• A chance to "accidentally" touch your massage therapist and then act surprised.
• A moment to “surprise reveal” yourself after the massage like you’re on a twisted game show.

Yes — Sometimes Underwear Is Off… But Let Me Explain:

I know what you’re thinking: “But wait… I thought Lomi Lomi was done without underwear?” Correct. And so is glute-focused Deep Tissue work in certain cases.

Here’s the difference:

• It’s communicated clearly in advance.
  
  
• It’s done with draping at all times.
  
  
• It’s never an invitation for funny business.
  
  
• It’s about accessing muscles, not making memories.
  
  

Removing underwear for massage can be appropriate in clinical or traditional contexts — but removing respect and boundaries? Never.

Hagens Massage by the Numbers:

• 85% of my clients come in for Deep Tissue Massage — life is hard so the muscles tend to get knotted.
  
  
• 10% go for Classic Swedish Massage — relaxing, nurturing, and blissfully normal.
  
  
• 5% choose Lomi Lomi — Hawaiian flow, spiritual grounding, and no room for creepy behavior.
  
  

And guess what? 0% of my treatments include flashing, grabbing, or dramatic towel reveals at the end.

A Few Ground Rules:

1. Respect the space. It’s sacred — not sexy.
   
   
2. Professionalism goes both ways.
   
   
3. Hands to yourself. This isn’t kindergarten, but the rules still apply.
   
   
4. Don’t confuse my kindness for an invitation.
   
   
5. If you're unsure what’s appropriate, pretend your grandma’s watching. (A foolproof guideline, really.)
   
   

To the 99.9% of you who are respectful, kind, and treat massage as the beautiful healing art it is — thank you. You make this work deeply meaningful. To the 0.1% trying to turn it into something else:
You are accidentally and surprisingly blocked to book again. 

With warmth, boundaries, and just a little sass,
Your Professional, Slightly Annoyed, Still Cheerful Masseur
— at Hagens Massage